Borowitz: Johnson promises to be greatest Speaker of the 17th Century

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a stirring acceptance speech after being elected Speaker of the House, Rep. Mike Johnson vowed to be “the greatest Speaker of the seventeenth century.”

“For years, time travel was the stuff of science fiction,” he said. “Now, as I take this majestic nation back four hundred years, I will make that dream a reality.”

Noting that L.G.B.T.Q. and women’s rights would be subject to his review, he said that he would also be taking a “hard look at some other so-called innovations, such as electricity and soap.”

“My message to the American people is simple: I work for thee,” he said.

When a reporter pointed out that there was no such thing as a Speaker of the House in the seventeenth century, Johnson replied, “I see you’ve been reading history books. Enjoy them while you can.”