Bezos and Musk in Fierce Contest to See Who Can Lose More Customers

Not that it matters at all to them to lose subscribers or money. That's not why they're in the 'news' business.

SEATTLE (The Borowitz Report)—A heated battle has erupted between two of the world’s richest men as Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk compete to see who can shed more customers, industry observers reported on Tuesday.

Davis Logsdon, who teaches a course about sociopathic CEOs at the University of Minnesota, said that both men “have what it takes” to send customers fleeing in droves.

“You might think that Musk, endowed with such world-class obnoxiousness, would be unbeatable as a customer-repellent,” he said. “But it’s impressive what Bezos has managed to do through sheer cowardice.”

“In the past 48 hours, for example, hundreds of people have tried to sell their used Teslas in the Washington Post classifieds,” he said. “Unfortunately for them, only 9 people still subscribe to the Washington Post.”